How to Hold a Box of Kleenex: The Power of Reaching Out to Others

My first few years in Relief Society were some of the most depressing, anxiety-filled of my life. Relief Society with church is a women's organization. Women ages 18 and older meet Sundays during the third hour of church. Many lessons revolved around bettering ourselves, our roles as women,  or the occasional church history lesson. I often felt very alone and isolated. I would try to talk to other sisters, but it was a struggle because I either wouldn't connect with them or I would be ignored completely. I would sit next to others and they would get up and move.

I had gotten to the point where I would walk out during lessons and cry. During one particular lesson on unity, everyone was talking about how united they felt with the ward and the other sisters and how easy it was. I raised my hand and asked, "How can other sisters feel more united with the ward? I know for me, even though I come to events and do visiting teaching, I feel pretty alone."

I waited out the silence a while until someone said:

"If you were really doing everything you're supposed to, your relationship with God would be enough. You don't need to have friends if you're really doing what's right."

I waited a few minutes and then I walked out. I was done. I was hoping for an empathetic ear, a solution, an idea of what to do to be accepted. Instead, I got a lovely slap in the face. Could there have been good intentions there? Probably. I don't believe people to be deliberately mean, but it still was painful.

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Now, this wasn't quite the hardest moment for me or the only one. There had been situations like this over the course of a few years. By the time we were moving, my resentment of Relief Society had been cemented. But part of me was still hopeful. I knew (still know) the importance of the Relief Society. I wanted to love Relief Society...or at least not hate it.

Now I am still wary of Relief Society, but things began to turn around once we moved out to California for C's new job.

Soon after we moved into our new ward, the other ladies in the ward began to reach out to me. My visiting teacher talked to me and paid attention. She didn't spend the whole visit looking for something I missed doing around the house so she could sweep in and take care of it. We had a real conversation. I began finding friends in this new group of ladies. I began to cautiously enjoy going to church again.

What changed? People began reaching out to me. Not out of obligation, but because they chose to. I was accepted.

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So how does this relate to anxiety and depression?

I can't speak for everyone and I am not a professional, but I know that for me when people reach out and talk to me it can really help. The fact that someone took the time to say hi and ask how things are going is very meaningful. When people reach out, I feel more human. I feel like I belong and that feeling can carry me through some tricky times. We all need to know that we matter...that we belong somewhere...that we have a purpose.

Never suppress the idea to do an act of kindness. You may never know how much that one small act can affect that person or the ones that person comes in contact with. An act of kindness is almost always paid forward in one way or another.

To finish, here is a list of things that you could do to reach out to someone in your life. If you're like me and get nervous at this sort of thing, invite a buddy to do it with you. Or come up with a reward for doing one of the following ideas. The more that you do something, the easier it gets.

1. Send a text saying hi
2. Send out an email
3. Make a phone call
4. Leave them a fun treat on their doorstep or on their desk
5. Invite them to lunch (food is always a great idea!)
6. Go to the park with them
7. Invite someone over for game night
8. Throw a party and invite them
9. Hold a movie night and invite them
10. Sit with them during church or a meeting or a class
11. Talk and Listen openly
12. Share when you are having a hard time (this helps make them more comfortable with 
              sharing their own struggles)
13. Give a hug  (with permission)
14. Write a note or letter and send it in the mail
15. Share a funny joke, story, or meme
16. Laugh together
17. Recommend a book, movie, or tv show and talk about it later
18. Share a favorite song
19. Send them a favorite quote or scripture
20. Bring them dinner

These 20 ideas just barely scratch the surface. They range in terms of cost (time and monetary) and difficulty. Your challenge is to do one of the following and share what you did in the comments. Add in how the action goes. I look forward to reading about them!

If you have other ideas on how to reach out, share them below too.

Anxiety and Depression: My First Stake Conference Talk

Recently, I was asked to give a talk at our stake conference. Stake conference is when several groups (we call "wards") get together and we have a big meeting where several people speak. I never thought that I would get asked to speak. I was asked to speak on a topic that I received an impression on. My struggle with anxiety and depression kept coming to mind, so I focused on that. A friend of me also sent a link to a blog post entitled Drowning is Quiet by Sincerely Kate that helped me shape the focus of the talk that I gave. I thought I would share my talk below and talk about the aftermath.

When I was much younger, my mom signed me up for swim lessons just as many parents do for their children. During one such lesson, the substitute teacher had me doing laps in the deeper end of the pool. I was the only kid from my class there that day, so I had plenty of space. I began swimming along. I believed enough time had passed for me to have made it to the wall, so I reached for the wall. To my surprise, my hand fell through the air and I went under. I attempted to tread water like we had been taught, but it was a struggle. I went under the water several times while I tried to get to safety. I struggled for what felt like ages when I finally made it to a spot where I could grab on. The instructor finally noticed something was amiss and came over. I told him what had happened and he became frustrated with me. He asked me why I didn’t save myself. I told him I had tried. I had tried shouting for help, but he hadn’t heard me. Nobody had heard me.

Drowning is quiet. It can happen to anyone. But there is another type of drowning that can affect us or our loved ones. According to the National Alliance of Mental Illness, one in five adults will battle mental illness in a given year. Whether it’s now or in the future, chances are many of us will come face to face with mental illness, through our personal experience or through a close loved one.
This kind of drowning is also quiet. It is hard to spot. For many, it is hard to believe. We may see someone smiling, saying everything is fine, and think nothing of it.

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In some aspects, they may be fine; however, they may be fighting to keep their head above water. He or she may be too busy fighting, trying to keep going, to stop and ask for help.
Others may be completely upfront about it.

For many years, I have lived with anxiety and depression. I usually keep it to myself and bottle it away. I’ve heard people say things like “you’re fine”, “I don’t feel that way, so neither should you”, “you just want attention”, or one of the more hurtful, “if you were really doing what you’re supposed to, you wouldn’t feel that way.” So I stopped talking about it. I stopped looking for help. I thought of it as just a “me” problem that had to be dealt with quietly.

I’ve come to learn this is the wrong way to deal with anxiety and depression. I still bottle up my anxiety and depression, but thanks to my husband, a professional counselor, and a couple close friends, I’ve started learning to stop staying quiet. To look for help when it comes. To seek help from others. To seek comfort from our Heavenly Father, especially at the worst of times.
One of the worst lies we tell ourselves, that I am guilty of, is that Heavenly Father doesn’t care about us. However, we know we are children of our Heavenly Father and He loves us, imperfections and all.

In Alma 7: 11-12 we read,
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

The Savior has experienced pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind. This includes mental illness. This includes physical illness. We all have someone in our corner who has felt what we’ve felt. Who understands how horrible and isolating it can feel. We are never truly alone.

A writer for LDSLivng wrote, “ It's so comforting to learn that many can receive healing from their mental illnesses or disorders through the Lord's tender mercies. But, there are also many who bear these burdens their entire life. It is also important to note that, regardless of your pain and challenges, your Heavenly Father loves you with an infinite love and depression has no bearing on your worthiness. His love and the Savior's Atonement can bring peace and lessen the burdens of your troubles. They can provide a deeper spiritual healing that will bring you the strength needed to endure your trials.”

"...Regardless of your pain and challenges, your Heavenly Father loves you with an infinite love and depression has no bearing on your worthiness. His love and the Savior's Atonement can bring peace and lessen the burdens of your troubles. They can provide a deeper spiritual healing that will bring you the strength needed to endure your trials."

So where do we go from here?

For those of you who suffer from depression, anxiety, or any other feelings of drowning, I ask that you do your best to make a sound. Talk. Say something. Speak up because it isn’t always easy to see. I speak from experience that it is way easier said than done and it’s not the natural first response, but I can also say that there is nothing wrong with letting people who love you, help you and I promise you there are people that love you no matter what you believe.

For everyone, be alert. Keep your ears, eyes, and heart open. Be a friend. Listen to those impressions/thoughts, etc that you may have to reach out. Empathy can go a lot farther than harsh words.

In Mosiah 18: 8-9 we read:
8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life

We have been asked to bear one another’s burdens. To comfort each other. To mourn with each other. Sometimes even just being there can be an aide. We have been taught to love one another.

To that end, I pose this question: “If we saw someone who is drowning, wouldn’t we do anything we could to help rescue that person? Pulling a victim from the water saves a body; assisting an individual to overcome mental or emotional obstacles helps save a soul.”

After this talk, several people shared similar feelings with me. If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, know that you are not alone.

After the end of the conference, one lady shared with me that she received the impression that I should write about what others could do to help those dealing with these kinds of things. I gave it some thought and decided that I would follow through. For the next few weeks, I have a series planned to go into this. I must add that I am not a professional and I continue to struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis; however, I will share what helps me. I hope that others will share their experiences here too. The comments are open for sharing! What are your experiences with mental health? What has helped you in the past?